I've no words for this feeling.

"I'm going under and this time I fear there's no one to save me."

I want to write, yet I can't find words for this.

Even the words fail me.

I miss you. I'm pathetic. I'm a trash. 

When did it all begin? We were doing good, or so I guess. But I started to get tired. I felt like I was always the one that kept towing both of us. Whenever a problem arise, I will be there, solving it. Time after time, I began to feel tired, words start to form in my head. Often it sounds like: "Why is it always have to be me?" I was so sad when I let you go, my tears won't stop even I need to drive, yet I somehow feel release as if a burden is off.

There are many things I want in this relationship. Yet I didn't ask or demand any. That is because I know you, I know how far you can stretch, I don't want to stress you out. What do I want? I want you to take the lead, I want you to come and look for me here, I want you to come and get to know the place that grow me, I want you to know my friends, I want you to know my families, all in all, I want you to do all these things not because I ask you to, but because you want to.

I would like to think that I've done my part. I've participate in your life as much as I can. Is it too much if I ask the same from you? I tell myself you will eventually do this for me, one day you will be capable to do all this. I've confident in you. That's where I make my mistake. I try to push you away, I thought I am those mother bird that pushes the baby bird out of its nest to make it fly. I did make you fly, it's just that I forgot to ask you to fly back to me.

My wrench personalities make things worse. The I-am-so-badass-independent self destroy everything too. Whenever hardships face me, I always sort it out myself. Why didn't I think of you? Because the few time I've look for you, you are not by my side, or you can't lend your hand to me. So the stubborn and arrogant side of myself are getting so intense that I never give you any chance to prove yourself afterwards. To tell the truth, I wish to be dependent. I wish I could sit back and let you take charge. I wish that you will bring me to see the world.

I will not glorify myself, when I'm tired, God tested me, and I fell in shit hole. No one hates me more than myself. God send a fuck boy to test me, and I fell for him. He stands there, every bit of him is the opposite of you, whatever you can't do, he did for me, vice versa, everything you did, he fail to do the same. The only time that I went out with him, I thought of you and the wonderful things you do for me. I hate that you didn't try. Why didn't you fight for me. Even the tiniest little thing you did could have bring me back to you. You didn't. And the eejit me still ever so stubborn. I thought he was the one, until God reveals his plan and shows his true side. I was devastated. When I thought about having a pause with you, I never thought I could fall for anyone anymore, yet I will myself one more time to take risk and try. When it fail, I thought I've died.

That's the first time I was drunk. I was so tired I could not take any, I drink myself away. Eventually I saw the reasons and I forgave him. When people wronged me I can forgive, when I've wronged myself how can I do the same. I have inflict pain on me and you. 

So I start to make myself better first. I worked to throw away the toxic side of me, I acknowledge the wrong I have done, I will myself to be a softer person. When I'm ready, I will reached for you. But you beat me there first. I'm in hell when you told me you have move on and fall for other girl. I'm in hell yet I can't fall into pieces because I'm an adult and I've my responsibility. I kept hypnotizing myself that it's okay, everything is okay, everything is fine. IT'S NOT. I'm dying, the history is repeating itself and I'm dying. I'm in my own hell and no one can save me.

How ironic it is that I was so sound when I convince you that maybe we should pause and let each other have a try with other people. But when you say the same thing to me I can't take it. Yet I can't blame you, every hardship I bring to you she didn't. With her, you didn't have to worry about distance, you don't have to worry about getting her family's blessing, you can have the trust that I didn't have it in you. She is so sweet while I'm so depress. You have no idea how much I resent my parents for not being more supportive in this for me and for making things even harder for me. You said you were happy and I can see it for myself. You smiled when you talk with her, you smiled when you saw her. How do I have the heart to rip this away from you.

You said she too is still suffering from her past and you were helping her out. Aren't me the same? When I first get on with you, you were helping me to get out from my past too. What you don't know is that I've freed myself from my own spell after 6 years. I know it's taken so long but I did it. Just right after I did it I've landed myself in another pain. 

You said you will be there to help me get through this because you were responsible for it. How am I suppose to feel? I don't want to be the annoying exes that someone can't seems to get rid of. How are you going to help when you don't know how I feel. You don't need to honey coated your words because I understand what you say. You have changed and you found a better person that love you back and how will you turn your back and pick up the used trash before. You can't wait for me to forget you so you can ease your guilt. You want to see me happy so you won't feel guilty. 

I thought that when you've changed, you will come back to me and make things better for us. It hurts the most when in reality you choose someone over me. It hurts the most when you say even though we have been together for this long you still don't seems to understand me. It hurts me when you say you can understand her even though she didn't say a word. It hurts me when you say you were happy with her and it sounds like you were never happy with me before. How can I get this over when it still hurt this much. 

You have no idea how much pain I'm in. I cry when I see you posted a picture of her smiling at you. I cry when you posted a picture that you took of her from the side. Didn't we have that before? I cry all the way back while driving above 120km/h. I cry so hard I can't eat. I cry until I have fever only then I lie on my bed and let the darkness claim me. 

I'm glad that you will still keep in touch with me. Although it hurts a lot when I get to know your news, I still want to know. I'll go nuts if you keep me in the dark. It's like hugging a cactus, it hurts but I still insist. 

Don't you worry, I'll spare you. I will let you be guiltlessly happy with her. I will accept my runner-up trophy from you and be friend. Even if you decided not to be with me to help me heal, I will spare you and heal myself. I will not trouble you. I will dutifully be your best mate if that's what you need.

The day you give me the flower, and them jokingly chanting "marry him", frankly if you get on your knees and ask me right there, I would definitely say yes.